literature

Broken: Janto

Deviation Actions

fantasylover42's avatar
Published:
921 Views

Literature Text

A/N: WARNINGS: Spoilers for CoE, and somewhat for End of Time (Doctor Who).
Somewhat song fic (no lyrics in it, however) inspired by Broken (by Lifehouse). I advise listening to the song as you read.

~*~

I glance at the clock, only to realize that the hands haven't moved for hours, at least. Maybe days. If only time could stop. If only it had stopped before you were taken away from me.

I'm waiting for this to get better, easier, but I don't think it ever will. They say that time can heal all wounds, but it can't replace a hole in my heart.

I'm broken, damaged. You knew that. You didn't see me as the freakish immortal like so many others did. You didn't run away when you realized what I was. You saw me as human, something that even I couldn't see myself as anymore. You knew that the decisions I had to make that no one else could tore me up inside, even if I refused to tell you about them. I should have, I should have realized you'd understand. But so much has happened to me. You didn't need to know that.

I feel like I'm falling, deeper and deeper, every day that I'm not with you, realizing that you'll never be with me again. No one who saw me as the brave, fearless captain would see me that way anymore. I'm a mess, completely falling apart. I don't know the last time that my eyes or cheeks have been dry, and I've drunk about as much as I've cried. My heart's shattered, but it keeps beating. The curse of immortality. I can't even die of a broken heart. Not permanently, because I already have. More times than I could count.

I used to find ways of dieing that were as painless as possible, because death was a temporary escape from remembering you're gone. But I don't anymore. Now, the more pain, the better. The pain is my penance. Because it was all my fault, Ianto. It's entirely my fault that you're not with me, here today.

You seemed to always know what I was thinking. I told you more than I told anyone else. I don't know how you did it. I always kept myself locked up, but you broke down all of those barriers.

I see you everywhere I look. Even since I left Earth, I still see you. I'm still looking for a way to carry on, to keep living. But how do I? How do I live on after this? I finally found someone who was really special, who meant more to me than anything, who I only got to know for a few years, who I hate myself over because I was too much of a coward to say I love you back.

I wanted to convince myself that I didn't love you.

And that you couldn't love me.

I wanted to spare myself the pain.

It didn't work, Ianto.

Falling,

falling,

falling into darkness.

Only to be dragged back into the light.

I keep hoping that people are right when they say lovers can be together in death. I keep hoping that, this time, what you always dreaded will happen. I keep hoping that, this time, I won't come back.

Because your name still means everything to me.

And I can't bring myself to let you go.

Day after day, all I can do is hang on.

But I know that even if I lose my grip, I'll need to find a way to hang on anyway.

Because I don't have the easy way out.

If an explosion can't kill me, what can?

You said you loved me. You said it so many times. Maybe not outright, but you meant it. The meaning was there, even if the words weren't.

I don't want to go back home. Even if I did, I don't know if I could. I think I've forgotten how.

I can't let you go, I can't let you go.

There's a gun here with me. My hand curls around it. It's so familiar, like an old friend. Its weight is comforting, the curve of the trigger inviting. Maybe this time I'll stay dead. Or maybe I'll wake up and this will have been a dream, that all of the reasons I've found that this can't be real will finally be true.

The gun feels solid against my head. Even if neither happens, this will give me momentary relief. I'm not afraid of death. Not anymore. Not when it's better than life.

I close my eyes, and I see you. My mouth moves as my finger slowly pulls the trigger.

"I love you, Ianto."
Yesterday, when helping my mom outside, I had my iPod with me, on shuffle. I had Janto on my mind, and when I listened to this song, I realized it was a perfect song for Jack after CoE. So today, I couldn't wait anymore. So, armed with my beloved three ring binder, a sheet of lyrics, my iPod (on repeat) and numerous pencils, I went into my room and wrote until it was done.
I'm pleased with the result, even though it's insanely depressing.
I hope you like it.
Might possibly make a video for it in the future, we'll have to see.
© 2010 - 2024 fantasylover42
Comments26
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
vampiremojo's avatar
I'm shaking and sobbing and omg, why?